Why I'm Putting Romance On The Back Burner Till I Graduate
For the best part of 24 months I have been with 3 different men.
Relationships are strange don’t you think? You spend x amount of time with one person, share secrets and stuff others don't know about you. You become the most vulnerable with them by seeing each other completely naked at some point or another. And 90% of the time, you put all your time and effort into making them so happy. Yet relationships break down rather easily and all that knowledge is kinda left floating around in the air. Even when you try to rekindle old love, it wont necessarily work out, and might make things even worse.
This is something I’ve learned in the last 2 years with the variety of relationships I’ve had with men. One was a 6 month relationship, another was just a summer fling and the other an on and off relationship for 10 months. So if you did the math, in the last 24 months I have spent 19 of them in some form of committed/romantic/sexual relationship, leaving only 5 months spent being single.
To some people this is common practice, they bounce from person a, to person b and so on. For me however, this wasn’t so familiar. Prior to all of this, I’ve only ever had one “proper” relationship which was a guy in college for 3 months. Nothing groundbreaking happened in that relationship, there was no milestone like a ‘first kiss’ or whatever, but at the time it was the longest relationship I ever encountered. I’ll be turning 21 soon and graduating university, so I reckon I need to spend some time on me and less on the opposite sex.
A series of unfortunate events did lead to this conclusion but nevertheless, I believe that everything is a learning curve and all that bollocks about ‘fate’ and how things happen for a reason. So in turn I’m giving it a rest searching for ‘the one’, it’s time to focus on what my real priorities are - my degree.
The aim is to graduate with a 2:1, that would be grand. If I don't have a job lined up once May comes around, then I’m considering on doing an MA course somewhere. I have found one which seems ideal, it is however in Bournemouth. But this also reaffirms my idea of putting romance on the back burner till I graduate, because if I move to Bournemouth (which is quite likely) maintaining a long distance relationship would be rather hard. I’ve struggled maintaining relationships when the person only lives 60 minutes away by car, nevermind 263.4 miles.
I have tried with people, we all make mistakes myself included, but now it’s too late to think about anybody else except me. This is a selfish choice, and the inner hopeless romantic in me is screaming ‘don’t do it!’ But you know what, sometimes you have to be god damn selfish in order to progress in life.
I’ve realised that in these last 24 months I have become highly dependant on other people. So much so, that after one particular break up I suffered a small patch of depression for a couple months. It’s something I don’t talk about regularly, especially something I wasn’t going to put online, but I feel mental health needs to be discussed more openly.
I stopped eating and lost over 14lbs in the space of 4 weeks, my friends forced me to eat, I cried a lot, didn't find pleasure in anything and overall experienced a pretty dark time in my life. Eventually I got better, I stopped having panic attacks as regularly, but I did slip back into high dependancy again.
This post more than anything is closure for myself and reassurance that right now, I don’t need a man by my side. Going from nothing to a whirlwind in 24 months is quite stress inducing and throwing myself into these different situations wasn’t 100% good for me. I am a successfully strong woman and I’m not letting this whole experience make me bitter towards men and to act like love is dead because it isn’t. Instead I’m just sitting back and enjoying the last ounces of freedom before the big bad world of full time work comes for me.
If I happen to meet somebody between then and now, then that’s great. But I’m not actively searching for a significant other and that’s the way it’s going to be until I’m ready.